(previously posted in r/inlaws, posting here as I wonder if folks into real estate would have different opinions)
Bought a house with parents-in-law almost 2 years ago. Things didn’t work out because:
Different expectations of boundary and privacy: PIL are engulfers – since we are now “a big family”, they want no boundary. They once went into our bedroom and hung a painting there, without consulting us. I took it down. Next day the painting is gone. What business do they have in our bedroom? Why do they care about a wall that they don’t even look at? It was a gross invasion of privacy. But PIL, husband didn’t think it was a big deal. I, as the minority, got tired of having to fight for, explain and maintain that boundary. Different ways of doing things: FIL and I are very different in personality – He’s very slow and I like fast pace. When it comes to joint decisions, I found it frustrating to move things along when he wants to do things his ways and his pace (so do I!). In the end, I gave up trying to drive anything because it’ll only happen at his pace, his way. Then they thought I was irresponsible to not be involved. These two are the main points of friction. I don’t think anyone is right or wrong, we’re just different.
We moved out a few months ago because the “family norms” just became very suffocating to me – I’m tired of constantly having to defend the boundary, not being able to make decisions, and just being engulfed in their family dynamics.
Both parties are still paying mortgage, because neither of us could afford the house on our own. I also thought we should give PIL some time to think about and plan for their next steps. However, we are cash flow negative with the current situation. Consequences are: for as long as we are carrying the mortgage, we cannot think of having another child. And I’m passed 35.
PIL don’t want to sell yet because they think we almost certainly will have to sell at a loss. But I’m unwilling to let this house be the reason we cannot consider having another child.
PIL’s stance is: if we insist on selling the house now, we should take all the loss.
My husband agrees with PIL, because “it’s an investment that we want to back out. We should take the loss”.
My stance: This house didn’t work out because of clashes in expectations and personalities. It’s not anyone’s fault, and both parties had our role to play. We all took the risk together when buying, and we should share the loss 50/50.
What do your all think? Am I too selfish? Am I being gaslighted? What should I do when husband is 90% in agreement with PIL?
Part of me feels like if we take the loss, at least we get freedom (at the cost of several years’ savings). But if we agree to take the loss, it’s like pleading guilty when we’re not guilty. It’ll be hard for me to see them and pretend that I have no ill feelings toward them.